What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

I’ve always envied people who knew what they wanted to do with their lives since they were children. You hear people say things like, “I always knew I would be a doctor someday” or “I’ve been working towards a career as a singer since before I could speak”.  Of course, if you asked a young Elena what I wanted to be when I grew up, I had an answer. But I usually offered the stereotypical girlie answers: princess, singer, dancer, actress; although I distinctly remember that I once told someone I wanted to be a cashier when I grew up… Well, I did work as a cashier in high school so I guess my dreams came true? Lol.

Anyway, when I went to college I didn’t know what I wanted to get a degree in so my major was Undecided for one semester. After that, I double majored in Economics and Psychology (yeah, I was very confused). The Econ major fell through after I took a few econ classes and my grades got progressively worse. In the end, I graduated with a major in Psychology and a minor in Business.

Most of my classmates applied to graduate school (because that’s what one does when they have a bachelor degree in psychology) and since I was passionate about the subject I figured that’s what I had to do too. Several failed GRE exams and hundreds of dollars later, I faced the painful realization that not only was I going to miss all the application deadlines, but my desire to go to grad school was wavering. My biggest problem was that it was not replaced with a desire to do something else. This uncertainty led to a few years of working temp jobs doing data entry. There is nothing wrong with that, of course, but for someone in their early 20’s who is educated and driven to do something important (even if they don’t know what it is yet), that type of job is merely a stepping stone.  

At one of my jobs, I had a lot of free time (but it was one of those situations where you pretend to be busy so the boss doesn’t think your position is unnecessary… But to be honest, it was). I spent hours perusing Pinterest and Facebook, and even reading novels.  My coworker, who has fantastic taste in books, insisted that I read The Hunger Games. I NEED you to know that this was way before The Hunger Games was popular. I don’t know why it’s so important for me to tell you that, but it makes me feel better somehow, like I wasn’t jumping on a bandwagon; I was simply taking the advice of a savvy reader.

That being said, I read The Hunger Games at work when I had nothing else to do, and one day, out of the blue, an epiphany shot into my consciousness so violently that I became teary-eyed. In that emotionally overwhelming moment, I set down the book and repeated the realization to myself over and over until the words began to make sense: I can do this. I can write books.

The most incredible part of it all is that I was thinking “I can” rather than “I want to” (like I had when I thought about being an actress, singer, princess, etc.)

Side note: This in NO way implies that I think that I can write like Suzanne Collins! Not for a second! All I’m saying is that while reading her incredible book, some dormant, hidden talent within me awoke and urged me to pursue a similar goal.

Well this revelation came as a shock. Writing make a person incredibly vulnerable to public opinion and judgment.  I mean, people read things that writers write, and I have always been shy! I hated the idea of pouring heart into writing something only for someone to read it and critique it. (And look at me now!!! Hahaha). I tried to push the disconcerting idea out of my mind; it was too scary to think about.

Long story short, that didn’t work. I knew what I knew and I couldn’t forget it no matter how hard I tried. I was supposed to become a writer.

The first time I told my sister-in-law/roommate, I had a nervous breakdown. Maybe it was just a big panic attack, but I felt like I was completely losing it. Sobbing and shaking, I confessed that I felt driven to be a writer. I expected her to laugh, then feel guilty for laughing and try to gently explain to me that being a novelist was probably a really bad idea and I should just quit before I wasted my time writing something. Her actual response was much more unnerving. She thought it was a wonderful idea. She thought it suited me. She thought I’d be great. I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted her to tell me to forget the whole thing, because that would be so much easier than venturing into the unknown.

A series of fortunate events led me to my current job as a nanny of an adorable toddler. My job is a godsend. It is making my dreams come true. Why? you may ask, especially when I just told you all this stuff about wanting to needing to write. Well, my friend, most writers don’t get paid to write. At least not for a very, very long time until they’ve gotten really good at it. So that means I need to spent a lot of time honing my craft without getting any monetary compensation. When I am at work, after I put the little girl down for a nap, I get a heavenly gift: Getting paid to do whatever I want. Sometimes I read, sometimes I write, sometimes I edit my Youtube videos. But I always make the most of my magical free time.

God bestowed upon me several passions, none of which earn me a penny, except for childcare.  But He found a way for me to sort of get paid to post videos and write blogs and write my novels and take notes on books about writing. Even as I type this I can’t believe how ridiculously lucky I am. Do I make a lot of money? Of course not. If my husband left me, I’d be broke as a joke, but God gave me my husband so He’s in charge of keeping him in working order!

It just occurred to me that this turned into a braggy brag session. Bleh. Not what I wanted. I wanted this to be inspirational. My aim is to tell those of you who don’t have an effing clue what you’re going to do with your life that you will eventually figure it out. You will. And when you do, it’s your job to take action and chase that dream that was put on your heart. Don’t quiver in terror like I did. Or, go ahead and freak out for a little while, but then stop, take a cleansing deep breath, and bravely do whatever makes you scared. Yeah, it might be really hard to get into a new field or career path. That feeling of dread might bubble up now and then. But the harder you study or practice or do what you need to do to pursue your goal, you will get better; you will get closer to achieving it.

You better believe that there will be roadblocks and challenges. Something or someone will stand in your way or tell you that you can’t or shouldn’t bother. Time and again you’ll have to take that cleansing breath and push forward.

Chances are, it’ll all be worth it.